Mastering Your Hormones

When my grandpa Toby heard my mom and I talking about hormones, he decided to chime in with “I know how to make a hormone … get it… whore moan”, and now I can’t take the word hormone seriously in my life…. ever.

But here’s my blog post about them anyway.

This one is for the ladies AND the dudes! Because guys have touchy ass hormones too and we’re all about equality here.

We’ve all heard the word “hormone” since grade school, but did anyone actually break down to you what the hell that even was? Even when I was prescribed birth control at 16 for “possible” hormone-causing acne, my doctor never explained what a hormone was, what it did, and he damn sure didn’t tell me how to keep hormones healthy. Most docs are just like: “Here, take this pill and get the fuck outta my office.” Maybe not that crass, but that’s basically what they’re saying.

Luckily, you guys have me to tell you what EXACTLY a hormone is and the roles it plays in your body.

What is a hormone?

Brace yourself… imma try to make this not sound super science-y …. but it’s hard to sound cool when you’re talking about human biology.

Hormones are chemical messengers that are created by the cells in your body. Those little messengers travel through your bloodstream to the appropriate organs to stimulate and regulate necessary functionality.

Those functions include:

Sexual Function – the ability to perform for a trip to Pound Town (Pound Town is the scientific term for sex)

Reproductive health – ability to make babies after a visitation to aforementioned town.

Brain Health – mood, focus, memory, intelligence, etc.

Metabolism – ability to burn fat, retain necessary fat, and grow muscle

Immune Health – immune cells have hormone receptors, meaning that when hormones aren’t functioning properly, they can really fuck with your overall wellness and therefore your entire world.

… That’s a whole lot of body functions reliant on one little thing.

What happens when hormones become imbalanced?

Low libido paired with the inability to get it up (dudes) or get things flowing down below (ladies) for sexy times.

Depression and/or anxiety

Severe fatigue

Significant weight loss or weight gain

Hair loss

Decreased athletic performance

Acne… I know about this cruel bitch all too well.

Extremely painful periods

Weakened immune system

Some of the extreme cases of hormone imbalance include:



Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS)

Autoimmune disease

How do we balance our hormones?

You could take synthetic hormones, which is generally the go-to for most practitioners who treat hormone imbalances. Unfortunately, this is like putting a bandaid on a fuckin shark bite. You can mask the problem slightly, but it won’t heal it.

Here are some natural and EFFECTIVE ways to balance hormones:

Follow a strict low sugar paleo diet

Get plenty of sleep

Stop dating douchebags, thereby eliminating a lot of stress

Exercise daily and move as often as possible (stagnation is as bad as shoving sugar in your face all day)

Eat a shit ton of omega 3 fatty acids: salmon, oysters, mackerel, chia seeds, and walnuts.

Take supplements to fill in nutrition gaps. Hormone healing supplements include: alkalizing green foods supplements, omega 3 supplements, vitamin D, zinc, magnesium, and most importantly, PROBIOTICS!!! Gotta keep that gut in check!

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Mamma Sara says:

    Pound town is not on my map, is there an app for that? Good job Jordyn you crack me up.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Haha thanks for the love! Glad I could entertain 😉


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